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It’s Not Just What’s Happening—It’s the State You’re In

One of the biggest shifts I try to help people make is this:

It’s not just what’s happening—
it’s the state you’re in while it’s happening.

Two people can be in the exact same conversation
and walk away with completely different experiences.

Why?

Because their internal states are different.

What Is an Internal State?

Your internal state is the combination of what’s happening inside of you in any given moment.

It includes:

your nerv...

A lot of what I see in my work comes down to this:

People think they’re arguing about content—
but they’re actually reacting to unmet needs underneath the surface.

When you understand these needs, people start to make a lot more sense.
Including yourself.

These six core human needs show up in every relationship, every conflict, and every decision.

1. Certainty — The Need to Feel Safe and Secure

At the most basic level, we all need some sense of stability.

We want to know:

• What’s happ
...

There’s a moment many people quietly recognize.

You say something you didn’t mean to say.
You react in a way you’ve reacted before.
You leave a conversation thinking, “Why did I do that again?”

And underneath that moment is something deeper:

“I thought I had already worked on this.”

This is one of the most frustrating parts of personal and relational growth—
the feeling that change isn’t sticking.

But what if the issue isn’t a lack of effort?

What if something more automatic is happening u...

Authenticity is the cornerstone of meaningful relationships, yet it can often feel elusive. Whether you’re contemplating the end of a marriage, exploring intimacy in a new relationship, or balancing your own needs with those of others, the ability to show up as your true self is essential. Authenticity isn’t just about honesty—it’s about vulnerability, boundaries, and the courage to align your actions with your values.

Through her thoughtfully designed support groups, Susan Regan, MFT, provides...