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The Law of Choice

There is something called the law of choice where we have the ability to take responsibility and choose new interpretations that empower when trying to heal from divorce. We can take back aspects of ourselves that we have projected onto our mate. We can observe what self-defeating behavior we’ve displayed and how to react without this self-defeating behavior. How do we respond to different situations? The pain from the past and the fear of the future often keeps us stuck and unable to...

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Marriage Daily Dialogue Questions for Couples

couples healing individual May 24, 2013

One of the things I have clients do regularly when they’re working on their relationships is to sign up for Marriage Daily Dialogue Question. I want them to see if any of these questions on this website could help them deal with some of the issues that are going on in their relationships as they may need to learn how to talk about issues in different ways.

One of the questions from March included, “How do I feel about our goals as a couple?” I think as couples proceed to...

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Intense Emotional States and What To Do with Them

healing individual May 24, 2013

Oftentimes, we have intense emotional states and get flooded with the emotions. It’s important to understand why this is happening. Sometimes, we get flooded with past traumas, but it’s important to slow down and remember not to act or react during this time. People in our group described times that they felt flooded with emotional intensity. A lot of times, people who are going through divorce are triggered by what’s going on currently but they are also being reminded of...

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Seven Stages of Grief

Seven Stages of Grief
1. Shock and Denial
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. Pain and Guilt
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with suffering from unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it,...

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Understanding the Emotional Impact of Separation

Members in my divorce support group have discussed what bad habits they get into in their long-term relationships. I’ve often heard folks say that their long term relationships have changed them. They stopped doing things that made them feel happy and started experiencing less joy in their life in general. Group members question why they were with their partners and where things started falling apart in their relationships. Did they give up on their own lives? Was it possible to find...

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How to Get Through a Difficult Day

Chop Wood Carry Water

This article will explain in more detail a Buddhist suggestion of what to do when going through a hard time.
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“Put your heart, mind, intellect and soul even to your smallest acts. This is the secret of success.”
Swami Sivananda
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Work. What does the word mean to you? Is it something to be avoided? Is it a means to an end? Is it the only appropriate focus of your attention and energy?...

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An Example of Triggers in the Support Group

One of the members in my divorce support group, Sarah was so triggered by another, I couldn’t help but wonder if they would be able to connect. Mary, had been left by her partner. Sarah, had been the one to leave. Being face to face with each other brought up feelings of guilt, anger, and hurt that really originated in the relationships each had lost.

As it turned out these members got past the triggers by moving deeper into their pain and owning the parts of themselves that felt...

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Understand the emotional impact of separation

What bad habits did you get into in your long-term relationship? Often times I’ve heard folks say that their long term relationship changed them. They stopped doing things that made them feel happy and they experience less joy. In long term relationships we sometimes question why we were together and where things fell apart. Did we give up on our own lives? Was it impossible to find happiness with our mate, or was it both? Often times the habits of not communicating, losing interest in...

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Date of Divorce

In our group we often talk about the date of their divorce. People are often full of anxiety when they reveal that they have received the date which their divorce process has been finalized. Typically, in the state of California, it takes 6 months and 1 day. However, it often takes people a lot longer to get the paper work done and make all the adjustments when actually filing for divorce. Some people file and never do anything else — they just separate physically. It’s really...

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How is your marriage house?

couples healing Apr 18, 2013

One of my favorite theorists, Gottman, writes about the sound relationship house. The sound relationship house is a really great model of trying to identify the patterns in your relationships and where the weak areas are. If we think of the relationship as a house, we have to build a foundation and make that foundation really solid before we build the frame. There are 7 basic levels of relationships and we can think of the first three floors as being made up of a friendship system, the basis...

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