Can You Heal Through Divorce? Mediation, Grief & What Comes Next with Robert Terris | #sorelatable Ep. 36
Divorce asks people to do two very difficult things at the same time.
You may be grieving the loss of a relationship, a future you expected to have, and the family structure you once knew — while also being asked to make decisions about money, parenting, housing, schedules, and the practical details of separating two lives.
So where does healing fit into all of this?
That is the question Susan Regan explores with returning #SoRelatable guest Robert Terris, JD, MFT, an attorney, therapist, and longtime mediator.
The conversation begins with a deceptively simple question:
Is it possible to heal through mediation?
Robert's answer is nuanced.
Mediation can sometimes create moments of profound understanding. Two people may finally hear the needs, intentions, or perspectives underneath a conflict in a way they haven't been able to hear before.
But divorce mediation can be different.
When the wounds are fresh and people are dealing with financial uncertainty, changes in parenting time, loss of control, anger, grief, and the unraveling of a shared life, deeper healing may be difficult to accomplish in the same room where practical decisions are being negotiated.
Sometimes the first task is simply to create enough separation and stability for healing to become possible.
“You can no longer rely on the person you're divorcing to fundamentally be that relational healing cure.” — Robert Terris
Mediation May Help Create the Conditions for Healing
Susan and Robert discuss the importance of disentanglement.
- Where will everyone live?
- How will finances work?
- What will parenting time look like?
- How will two households begin functioning?
- How can conflict be reduced, particularly when children are involved?
Once some of those questions have answers and the family begins adjusting to its new structure, there may be more emotional space to process what has actually happened.
In other words, mediation doesn't necessarily have to be the place where healing occurs.
It may help create the conditions in which healing can begin.
Therapy Can Have a Different Job
Robert raises an important distinction about using therapy during divorce.
It can be easy for therapy to become a weekly review of the newest conflict:
- What happened during mediation?
- What did your ex say?
- What happened with the children?
- What was the latest disagreement?
Those conversations may provide support, but Robert suggests that therapy can also be used more intentionally to mourn the relationship itself.
What did you believe this relationship was going to become?
What did you lose?
What are you having difficulty letting go of?
What hopes are you still holding?
What pain did you experience along the way?
Grieving a relationship can require many of the same things we associate with other meaningful losses: reflection, support, remembering, mourning, and eventually making room for a future that looks different from the one we expected.
Accountability Is Not the Same as Blame
One of the most powerful moments in the conversation comes when Robert says:
“Accountability is also a pathway to agency.” — Robert Terris
After a painful relationship, it can be tempting to focus entirely on what the other person did.
Sometimes that focus is understandable, particularly when someone has experienced serious harm.
But personal reflection asks a different set of questions.
What needs of mine were not being met?
What did I do — or not do — that affected my ability to have those needs met?
What patterns from my family of origin influenced how I showed up?
What do I want to understand about myself before I enter another relationship?
This is not about deciding that everything that happened was your fault.
It is about discovering what belongs to you — because what belongs to you is also what you have the power to change.
The “Sixth Stage” of Grief
Susan adds a stage to the traditional ways we often think about grief.
After anger, sadness, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, she sees another important stage:
reflection.
What did this relationship teach me about myself?
What patterns do I want to change?
What do I need to heal?
How do I want to show up differently in my next relationship — or in all of my relationships?
Healing doesn't simply mean reaching the point where something no longer hurts.
It can also mean using what happened to understand yourself more deeply.
Did You Find a Soulmate — or a “Wound Mate”?
Susan and Robert also revisit an idea they have discussed before: sometimes the person who initially feels extraordinarily familiar or compelling may also activate wounds we have carried from earlier relationships or childhood.
Robert describes this as finding a “wound mate.”
“Some people feel like they found their soulmate, but what they actually found was their wound mate.” — Robert Terris
We may unconsciously be drawn toward people who recreate something emotionally familiar — even when that dynamic ultimately causes pain.
That leads Susan and Robert into a discussion of attachment styles, family-of-origin patterns, and the possibility of developing healthier ways of connecting.
Awareness of a pattern does not mean it disappears immediately.
But it creates an opportunity to respond differently when that pattern appears again.
Awareness. Empathy. Intention.
Robert offers a simple framework for personal change:
Awareness.
Empathy.
Intention.
First, become aware of the pattern.
Where did this reaction come from?
What am I doing?
What part of my history might be shaping this response?
Next comes empathy.
Instead of attacking yourself for having the pattern, become curious about why it developed.
We are shaped by families, relationships, attachment experiences, circumstances, and the ways we learned to protect ourselves.
And then comes intention.
How do I want to show up now?
Maybe the intention is to call a friend rather than isolate.
To communicate instead of withdraw.
To pause before reacting.
To go to therapy.
To exercise.
To meditate.
To choose a different relationship pattern.
And then, inevitably, the old pattern may return.
So we begin again.
Awareness.
Empathy.
Intention.
Change becomes a practice rather than a one-time transformation.
Healing Is Relational
Robert also talks about several ways healing can happen through relationship.
It may happen within family therapy when people begin hearing and responding to one another differently.
It may happen in the therapeutic relationship when someone consistently experiences being seen and understood.
It may happen through friends and community.
And it may happen through the relationship we develop with ourselves.
This is where the conversation touches on Internal Family Systems (IFS) — a model that explores the different protective and vulnerable “parts” within us and the possibility of relating to those parts with greater curiosity and compassion.
The larger idea is simple:
When the person you are divorcing can no longer be the person you look to for emotional repair, you need other places for healing to happen.
Discernment, Groups, and What Comes Next
Susan also shares how these ideas connect with her own work.
In discernment counseling, she helps couples who aren't yet certain whether they want to stay together, work on the relationship, or separate.
Sometimes the most healing thing is finally facing a decision that has been avoided.
She also talks about the role of group therapy during and after relationship loss.
There can be something deeply powerful about sitting with people who are also trying to understand what happened to them.
You hear other people's stories.
You recognize yourself.
You understand your former partner differently.
You practice vulnerability.
You discover that you aren't the only person trying to put the pieces together.
Susan describes one men's group that continued even after the members' divorces ended and new relationships began.
The question changed from:
How do I survive this divorce?
to:
How do I make sure I don't repeat the same patterns again?
That may be one of the most meaningful signs of healing.
Not that the past disappears.
But that we become more present, more aware, and more intentional in the relationships we build next.
About Robert Terris, JD, MFT
Robert Terris is a licensed marriage and family therapist, attorney, and mediator whose work focuses on helping individuals and families navigate conflict and create lasting solutions.
He has practiced understanding-based mediation in family and legal settings since 2002 and combines his therapeutic and legal backgrounds to address both the practical issues involved in disputes and the underlying relational dynamics.
Robert holds a JD from Berkeley Law, an MA in Counseling Psychology from the Wright Institute, and an MS in Peace and Conflict Studies from Gothenburg University.
Learn more about Robert at famcmc.com.
Additional Resource: Internal Family Systems
Internal Family Systems, or IFS, is a therapeutic model that explores the different protective and vulnerable parts within us and our capacity to relate to those parts from a more grounded and compassionate sense of Self.
To learn more about the model, visit the IFS Institute at ifs-institute.com.
Listen to the Conversation
In this episode, Susan and Robert explore divorce mediation, grief, discernment, attachment, accountability, family-of-origin patterns, IFS, co-parenting, group therapy, and what it can mean to intentionally create healthier relationships after loss.
Sometimes healing isn't about getting the relationship back.
Sometimes healing is understanding what happened, discovering what belongs to you, and choosing how you want to live differently from here.
Not sure whether your relationship needs repair, discernment, or help moving toward separation? Learn more about Susan’s relationship programs and support at relationshipsolutionsprograms.com and solutionstherapyandmediation.com.
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