Love & Hope for Relationships - Developing Your Capacity for Growth
So the question is how much capacity do you have to be yourself in your relationships? In my podcast when I was interviewing, “Mr. Farnsworth”. He realized his marriage was not the best and healthiest place for him.
When it comes to a holiday, like Valentine’s Day, he experienced the holiday, as a painful reminder that his relationship wasn’t working. When he was alone and not taking care of himself, that holiday was also painful for him. Now that he’s in a relationship that doesn’t solve everything, he realizes that having a good relationship is a bonus to his life but also that it’s not his entire life. taking really good care of himself. So remember, however, you deal with Valentine’s Day really examine what the day brings up for you. Where are you in your relationships? Are you in sync with what you want? And remember my motto ‘relationships really matter’.
What capacity do you have or have you develop to be yourself and relationships?
What have you learned from your past to be in a relationship differently now?
I needed to look at what I needed to learn about myself. My tendency was to self sacrifice, and people please, and not got in the way of intimacy. Focusing on another person creates distance. I actually distance from myself in that process, and I don’t give that person myself either.
It makes me think about projection – what should it be like and how should I engage in it instead of just being in it and engaging in it. We act like what we think we’re supposed to act like.
Both the light and the shadow needs to be an intimacy to. It’s not like everything can be OK all the time. But I found myself trying to make it be OK all the time. If the shadow is never there, then we don’t get to learn like for example the shot it was never as bad as we think it is, but there is a tendency to keep secrets and hide at least for me. It’s like hiding in plain sight.
The more I share, the more I found that people become receptive.
Placating in people pleasing is a self protective mechanism.
Love is giving and receiving and that means being vulnerable.
You have to let them give it to you too otherwise, they don’t really get to show up fully.
Too much giving is focusing on them as a way to hide. Sometimes giving is another form of codependency. Another form of enabling. And also needs to resentment too much giving. Not sticking up for yourself by saying I can’t do that for you right now. This is the best I can do or I’m gonna need to take a little time for myself. But we can negotiate all that needs to be done later.
If you weren’t feeling seen, then, how much did you act out?
I would feel trapped. I would think again this is how it’s supposed to be. If we don’t talk through our insecurities, then we don’t get to dig into the other parts of our self and show the person or other parts.
In my relationship now – I/we are continuing, negotiating and talking about triggers until they go away. It’s amazing once we talk about it that it disseminates.
Talking about things reinforces the ability to be more vulnerable, and authentic.
When you make a commitment to do the deep dive to really connect with someone you can show up more yourself and be more of who you are. That is so exciting and amazing that feeling of just really being able to be yourself fully in a relationship.
In my relationship now, when we have an inflection point, we address it. We do this thing we level up we get to a whole other level with each other.
I have to say it is way better than avoiding. Loving again, growing enough to have the capacity to love again has been a part of my work. It allows for a whole new place for me to go, but I haven’t gone before.
In group, we talk about this thing called marriage PTSD. But Farnsworth references post-traumatic growth. The growth that has come from him recovering from the trauma of his marriage.
Divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me I know that sounds so contrite, but it’s been the best teacher. I am confident of how I show up now, I can commit now I can deal with things that I never could deal with before. Yes absolutely I got a lot of PTSD from my divorce.
20:45. Susan -“I love when people think about and aim to have their biggest accomplishment be their relationship with their family and marriage. In society, we aren’t geared to have this as one of our focuses. Usually career, money and status are more socially acceptable values. My question is this? Are you really focusing on your relationships so that you can get the most from them? Are your core values in sync with the people around you? Are you hanging out with people who care as much about relationships as you do?
22:31. a shift of focus from being busy to slowing down. Working on quality of life, working on being conscious and thoughtful about how you are in the world and what you say
23:22. find worth says it was an easy way not to feel by being busy “ripping and running “but just sitting and enjoying feeling good and validating your own life and experience. Now that digging into that feeling is something amazing.
24:45. no one is at fault if there’s a problem. Blaming each other doesn’t really solve a problem. Making a commitment to look at what are some of the things that each of you can do to solve that problem. Find a solution focused on that instead of focusing on who is making the problem be that way.
25:49. The mindset difference-
And work relationships work focus on the solution not on blaming not on taking on other peoples feelings, but sitting with them not fixing them. Farnsworth talks about how him and his current relationship do this they sit with the problem together and slowly talk about all the aspects of it until they’re able to sort it out. They go beyond reactivity into response.
27:00. “another thought is just inviting the filling in for Chi and seeing what it has to say“. What is the feeling about? What is the information in the feeling that you need to understand more.
For example, the pressure of the Valentines holiday. We took the Valentine’s Day a holiday in for tea. this is what we would find out.-there’s a difference when you’re unhappy on how you perceive a holiday versus when you’re happy. Farnsworth remembers being pissed at Valentine’s Day. Pissed at seeing couples all around him happy. Instead, now he uses it as a way to understand what’s not working in his relationship or enjoying what is in his relationship and having an extra excuse to celebrate it. So if you’re not into Valentine’s Day, just understand why, and do something for yourself that’s gonna make better sense than being upset. If your relationships not going well, you’ve got a choice to work on it. If your relationships going well, then you have an excuse to acknowledge it. But remember your happiness is what makes a difference in your relationships and all your relationships.
30:39 “more power to the people who are showing their love quote we can always project all our insecurities on the things that aren’t working. If you’re really attending to yourself, then love and having good relationships is an added bonus.
35:39. It takes a lot to have the life that feels for filling. Watch the baggage you’re carrying with you. And note how are you working on your life? Do you have visions goals? Strategies plans for yourself. If not, you should. Because it’s going to show up in your stuckness if you don’t.
36:00. Make your life what you want it to be. Create a space have a space you can work on your life. This is Key.
36:45. Make sure that you work on your life in a place where you can get feedback.
37:00. There are 1 million ways to get help.
37:41. then there’s practicing the new skills.
37:15. I am not for everyone and I’m OK with that.
#valentinesday #loveandhope #sorelatable